It's Just Business: A Field Guide to Corporate Speak

Somewhere in every office, a person in a quarter-zip is saying "let's circle back on that" and meaning "I will never think about this again." Corporate language is a dialect of English designed to say uncomfortable things comfortably, and unclear things confidently.

As a Windows XP-themed dog running a business empire, we consider ourselves fluent. Here is your field guide.

The Golden Phrase: "It's just business"

Let's start with the phrase that launched a thousand handshakes and one memecoin. "It's just business" is what people say right before or after doing something that is, in fact, deeply personal to the person on the receiving end.

Translation: "I have decided that my incentives matter more than your feelings, and I would like you to agree that this is normal."

It's the corporate world's most honest lie. The decision is business. The consequences are always personal. We named a whole token after the tension.

The Executive-to-English Dictionary

"Let's take this offline."

"Stop talking about this in front of everyone."

"We're right-sizing the organization."

"We are firing people, but with a word that sounds like tidying a closet."

"This is a growth opportunity."

"You are about to do more work for the same money."

"Let's circle back."

"This conversation is over and will not resume."

"We need to align on this."

"You will be agreeing with me shortly."

"Per my last email."

"As I already told you, which you clearly did not read."

"We're a family here."

"We would like you to accept below-market pay out of loyalty. Note that families do not conduct layoffs."

"Let's leverage our synergies."

"Two departments that dislike each other will now be in meetings together."

"It is what it is."

"I have given up but must keep talking."

"We're being disruptive."

"We are ignoring a regulation that everyone else is following."

"Let's put a pin in it."

"Let's abandon it while sounding organized."

"I want to be transparent with you."

"I am about to tell you 40% of the truth."

Why corporate speak exists

Corporate language isn't just comedy — it's a tool. It exists to:

1. Soften bad news so the person delivering it feels less bad
2. Diffuse responsibility so no single human owns a decision
3. Signal belonging — using the words proves you're one of the tribe
4. Buy time while sounding decisive

None of this is unique to villains. Well-meaning people speak fluent corporate too, because the incentives reward it. The trick is knowing when you're doing it — and choosing plain language when it actually matters.

The CowDog Doctrine

At $BUSINESS Holdings LLC, our CEO — a dog in a cow costume — has built an entire empire on a single principle: say the quiet part out loud, then make it funny. Our quarterly reports include "rare fish derivatives," "premium silence subscriptions," and "the Division of Doing Things." These are jokes. They are also, if you've worked in a real company, uncomfortably close to reality.

The best defense against corporate nonsense is a sense of humor and a good glossary. Know what the words mean, know what they're hiding, and you'll never be bamboozled by a man in a quarter-zip again.

Because at the end of the day, whatever they tell you — it's just business.

Want the actually-useful stuff? Learn how to start a business, or browse the Business Glossary for plain-English definitions with zero synergy.